Unintentional Discrimination or Unsatisfactory Circumstances?

A self-reflection story

As a newbie to medium, I pondered over what I would write about. I have so many thoughts I want to share, but what to share first? And then it hit me, why not write about what many are afraid to speak about, and afraid to admit still exists. Yes, I am referring to unintentional (and intentional) discrimination and bias.

Too often this is overlooked in society, and in the workplace. Often those who are victims of this treatment, simply brush it off and/or blame themselves. But why? Why now in the year 2020 is this still okay?

A little about me

I was raised in a family that treats all people as equals. I was fortunate enough to grow up in area where multiple races attended school together, rode the bus together, played sports together, and hung out together. There were of course cliques, but these were generally formed based on personality similarities, and not due to any underlying racism.

How I used to think

I experienced childhood like most children, carefree. And then I became an adult! As you can imagine, growing up without really experiencing any real racism or discrimination, I was in for a rude awakening when I entered adulthood.

Over my adult life, I have experienced a ton of disappointments and rejections. But who hasn’t right? It is just a part of life. As a very goal-oriented person, I don’t dwell on rejections. They are simply bumps in the road, that leads to my destination. I climb over them and keep moving forward.

Every time I have been told no, I felt confident there was a legitimate reason for the answer. I was sure logic, rationale, and fairness was used when making the decision. As a person of faith, I know that God wouldn’t give me a dream, and then not equip me to reach it. If I have been told no, then whatever it was, just wasn’t meant for me.

The conversation that woke me up

One night, after an especially disappointing rejection, I decided to confide in my husband. I told him what happened and how I didn’t understand what I had done wrong or neglected to do. After hearing the situation, he instantly asked me “do you think the decision made, had anything to do with your race?” I thought to myself, now why would he ask me something like that, and quickly replied “no”. I let him know that I am sure there was a valid business reason for the decision, I just didn’t understand what it was. I mean who would totally disregard a person’s experience, knowledge, and skills because of their race?

My husband kindly reassured me that I was smart enough, talented enough and qualified enough. Sensing my naiveness, he then began to ask me a series of questions.

1. “When you worked at blah company, you ran an entire store by yourself with the title of assistant store manager because the store manager left. You did this for an entire year complaint free, without a change in title or pay. What happened when you asked for the official title of store manager and a raise ?”

I thought for a moment and then replied, “well, I was told no, and then a person of another race was hired to fill that role, and given the exact rate of pay I asked for”. As I recalled the situation, I became more frustrated. Now that I think about it, in addition to telling me no without just cause, I was also asked to train the new employee. The nerve of some people!

2. “When you worked at blah blah company, what happened when you expressed your interest in advancement, professional development and shared your career goals ?”

I answered, “I was told that I was already qualified and talented enough to be in the position that I had inquired about, but there just wasn’t any place/role available for me right now”. I quickly tried to defend this one and let him know their reply could have been valid. Positions aren’t just added to an organizational structure every day. He then replied and asked me, “in your time there, were any new positions created to aid in the advancement of anyone else outside of your race ?” I paused for a moment, sighed, and replied “yes”.

3. He asked his last question. “When you attended blah conference, what did you tell me happened that upset you ?”

His point had been made. I may have experienced discrimination, bias, or whatever you want to call it before, and I was too naïve to even realize it. I replied, “I was asked about my hair and advised that maybe braids were not the best choice considering the nature of the event”.

Pause. You just thought about my race, didn’t you? It is okay. I would have too. We all have our unconscious biases and opinions, that we need to more mindful of.

OMG, what else have I swept under the rug?

As I thought about these past situations, I began to recall others that I had forgotten about. Like the time an employer asked me what my husband really did for work, after seeing one of his antique cars at a show. Was I overthinking this? Why wouldn’t she think he could afford that car at his job?

Or the time my husband came to join me at an upscale hotel after work, and was asked “are you lost, where were you trying to go ?” As if a person who performed manual labor, could surely not afford to stay in such a place. These comments were not directly aimed at me, but nonetheless they were offensive and inappropriate.

In each of the situations shared above, I chose to see the good in people, I chose to brush it off and evaluate myself. Maybe there was something I did, something I should have done, something I needed to improve on. And in each of those situations, I didn’t speak up. I didn’t bring attention to the fact that there may be unintentional bias or discrimination. I didn’t tell them how their actions/words made me feel.

Finding my voice

I ended my conversation with my husband asking him, “what do I do now”? He smiled and replied, “you are smart, you will figure it out”. And he was right! Changes needed to be made.

I have never been one to play the race card, and I don’t intend on beginning now. I know that not every rejection, disappointing moment and/or rude comment can be blamed on discrimination and/or bias. I still have confidence that people try to do the right things, for the most part.

From that moment forward I have made a conscious effort to be more aware of intentional and unintentional bias, and to educate those who may not understand how their actions affect others. I now speak up. I encourage others to take a good look at themselves, how and why they make decisions, and how they make other people, different people, feel. I attempt to educate those who may not understand my cultural norms. And most importantly, I no longer look at rejections as a reflection of my worth. I am enough, and you are too!

Photo credit: American Psychological Association (APAO https://www.apa.org/topics/racism-bias-discrimination